I didn't think I was going to cry - when I got the phone call last night I didn't even feel sad like I thought I would, and I had no problem going to sleep. It must have been the fact that I knew it was coming. She had been in the hospice for months now and my parents kept me updated on how she was doing, she wasn't doing well. I knew it would be sometime this week that we would lose her, so when my parents called me yesterday I knew before I even answered the phone what kind of news they had for me.
My nana died peacefully on Sunday morning with my parents, aunt and uncle there. "She's with Poppa now" my dad said. However that is hardly a silver lining to how I feel at the moment. I was surprisingly fine yesterday, I didn't cry at all - I even managed to still laugh and smile at things and I didn't really think about it much. That's the only silver lining of being here during this; I am extremely sheltered from my emotions, and the real world. I didn't have to watch her suffer the last two months, I didn't see her declining day by day and I didn't have to wonder when the last time I saw her would be. I already knew when that was - it was the afternoon of Saturday, August 2nd 2008. The day before I left for Thailand. I think that maybe I couldn't cry yesterday because I have cried so much already that when her time finally came to an end, I was relieved that all her pain was over.
I talked to my sisters and my parents again this morning, the funeral is on Wednesday and the visitation is on Tuesday. But I won't be there. Heather was telling me about the last time she talked to my nana, and after Ashley and her told her how much they loved her, she asked for me. "She's in Thailand, but she loves you" my mom said. At that, I started crying. I know I'm not to blame and I shouldn't feel guilty, but I can't help but feel horrible for not being there with her during these last two months. I feel horrible that I'm not there for them, for my family. It's rediculous to feel bad, but I do, and I can't help but keep thinking back to the last time I saw her; two months ago in the hospice when we both knew that when I came home she wouldn't be there. That was the hardest day of my life.
I remember in my grandparents' house there was a big map in the basement, with coloured tacks in all the countries they had travelled to. I like to think that their love for travelling is what inspired me, and I know now that it has. I always looked at that map and thought of how wonderful it would be go to those countries, to see the things my grandparents had seen, to travel all over the world. She was always so brave, so strong and the healthiest woman I had even known. I honestly never thought she would pass away; it seemed impossible. She inspired me to be determined, cheerful and adventurous. It's because of her that I'm here in Thailand, and I could not thank her enough.
I love you nana, rest in peace.
<3
15 years ago
5 comments:
Hey,
Emma,I know how you feel. I really do. My grandmother hasn't died, but I had this woman in my life named Bunny and when I heard the news that she died I was affected the same way. I was sad, but that didn't stop me from laughing and from smiling. it's so strange. When it started to hit me though, was when I'd have concerts or performances and I'd think, 'I should call up Bunny and give her a ticket." And then I'd have to stop myself and tall myself that she's not there anymore. It's so weird... I still feel like she's alive.
Well, not to sound cheesy but people are always alive in the memories and hearts of the people they loved. I guess I've never been too affected by death even when my grandma died. I always just think that they had a good life and they will always be around in some form.
[Reposted because I had to reword something]
Emma, I cried when I read your note about your grandmother. I too loved my grandma like you do. She was strong and a lovely person and kind to all. I did get to go her funeral (I was twenty-four and living on my own in Virginia at the time. She was in Minnesota). I miss her still, but every time I garden or hear beautiful piano music (she played lizst, chopin), she's still there for me.
Hi Emma - we are both so sorry for your loss, but we know you have wonderful memories of your Nana. We attended the service on Wednesday, and it was a tribute to her in so many ways. And while we only met her once or twice, by the end of the service we felt we knew her much better. Your Mom and Val said they wanted to have "Happy Birthday" napkins at the reception, and I think she would have liked that. But they did mention her birthday in the eulogies, so we all acknowledged 88 wonderful years. The photos displayed were wonderful, with several of the "little" twins and their "big" sister. Don't feel badly that you weren't there - you are fulfilling her dreams of travel and adventure - and I'm sure she is now watching over you ensuring you are having fun, and being safe.
Love, Sandra and David Evans
Post a Comment